Nail Gun Massacre (1985) Review

Construction workers are the prime targets for a killer armed with a nail gun. The local Doc and Deputy try to track down the elusive killer while the body count continues to rise. Maybe elusive is too strong considering the killer and Deputy pass each other on the highway half a dozen times.

I don’t posses enough words in my meager vocabulary to fully describe the experience that is The Nail Gun Massacre. One doesn’t watch this slasher, you gaze in awe and wonder with a slack jaw and just a hint of drool oozing from the corner of your mouth. One actress actually defies the laws of gravity. And at the end of her touching scene, she looks directly into the camera as if to say “Can I put my shirt on now? It’s freezing in here.”

Directors Terry Lofton and Bill Leslie use real people as opposed to real actors, giving this slasher a low rent charm. An old lady at a country store can be seen reading directly from the script. Most of the non-actors are reading their lines during the scenes and look directly into the camera when they finish. The ones that due have previous acting experience (community theatre most likely) tend to go overboard or under play their roles. One character gets shot in the penis with a nail. This has never happened to me but I’m sure if it did I’d probably scream, cuss, or jump around. Not this actor. He falls to the ground and moans “aaaahhhh”.

There are a few other minor flaws in the execution of The Nail Gun Massacre. First, the killer is obviously played by a short woman. At the conclusion, the killer is revealed to be a tall man. Maybe the guy is covering for the real killer, but the films ends with Doc and the main suspect holding hands and walking into a beautiful sunset. Secondly, the killer delivers the worst one-liners ever uttered in a slasher film. Fortunately for the viewers, the voice over used is so garbled that one has a hard time understanding the punch lines.

If you’ve never see The Nail Gun Massacre, then I urge, no, beg you to seek out this slasher. Here are just a few of the amazing sights that await you: the Deputy’s badge and shoulder holster move around his body from scene to scene, Doc dresses like a greaser from those 1950′s JD flicks, a couple order grilled cheese sandwiches at a greasy spoon yet receive cheeseburgers, the girl tells her date that it will take more that a cheap meal to get her naked then has sex with the guy anyway, the killer falls to his death only to have his feet magically reappear in the shot seconds later, the body count is 16 but only a few of the victims have names. There is more, much more, but I don’t have the space nor time to detail all of the excitement and charm that is The Nail Gun Massacre.

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