My name is Thomas E., and I’m a slasher addict. I’ve struggled with this addiction for three decades now and I doubt I will ever be cured. The truth is I don’t want to be cured. I enjoy my slasher cravings and revel in the euphoria brought on by finding a rare title or watching a really scary, suspenseful slasher. Recently, my slasher addiction has grown to include watching slashers in theaters with a rowdy crowd. I used to watch slashers in theaters all the time when I was a kid but never liked when audience members yelled advice at the screen. Now, Lord help me, I love to hear the audience scream in terror. Their cries of horror are a sweet symphony to my ears.
Slasher Addicts Anonymous (or SAA for short) is a place where slasher addicts can go and be themselves without fear of scorn or ridicule from non-slasher fans. My goal is to one day have SAA chapters in every state in the Union and all English speaking countries. And maybe a few in Germany, France, Italy, and Japan. The purpose of the SAA is not to cure slasher addicts but rather to encourage their addiction and pass their love for slasher films on to others. We want more slasher addicts in the world, not less.
What the SAA really needs right now is a celebrity national spokesperson. No addiction is taken seriously by the mainstream media until a celebrity gets involved. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the current fake fad known as sex addiction. Nobody had ever heard of this made up disease until a bunch of rich, famous guys got caught banging strippers, porn stars, and hookers. Notice, none of these guys are ever caught with one-eyed hunchbacks or 500 pound circus performers. A few years ago this type of behavior was known as “being a typical guy”. Now it’s called sex addiction and news shows devote several hours to the subject every week because it involves celebrities. With the right celebrity in place those news programs could be devoting hours to the discussion of slasher addiction. I’m open to suggestions from Retro Slashers readers as to who should be the national face of the SAA.
I know times are tough but I have found an easy way for slasher addicts to continue supporting their habit. Restaurants. Trust me on this, folks. Whenever I go out to eat I always find cash just lying around on dirty tables. There’s usually a few bucks under a plate, beneath an empty glass, or on top of a napkin dispenser. Hell, it’s easy to find enough cash to pay for the meal and have some left over to put towards a new addition to the old slasher collection. I suspect most customers are in such a hurry to pay their bill and leave that they don’t notice when a few dollars fall out of their wallets or pocket books.
Right now some of you are probably thinking you don’t need the SAA. Slashers are just a minor hobby or a simple distraction from everyday life that you can walk away from whenever you want. You’re wrong and I can prove it. Here are a few questions that will determine if you’re a slasher addict: Does your slasher collection occupy more than one room in your house/apartment? Have you ever bought a product because Jaime Lee Curtis or some other slasher star promoted it in a commercial? Have you ever walked into a store, discovered a large selection of slasher films for sale, and suddenly forgotten your own name? Is “Do I spend my money on this slasher or save the cash and buy food?” a question you ask yourself more than once a month? If I say “Buy a Bag . . .Go Home in A Box” do you instantly know what film I’m talking about? Do you read and/or write for websites dedicated to the slasher genre? If you answered yes to any of the above questions then sit down and take a deep breath. You’re a slasher addict. Don’t panic. There will always be a spot for you in the SAA. Don’t hesitate to drop by and share your slasher addiction stories with us.