Retro Slashers

Blue Collar is hot.

It’s also so 70s and 80s. Let’s face it, when was the last time you saw men who looked like men working jobs that people really had? Yeah, it’s sad, ain’t it? My Bloody Valentine would be a good film by any standards of filmmaking, but the fact that it truly captures the hard working everyman, struggling adults caught up in a horrible situation, creates that much more of an impact when the bloodshed hits the fan.

While the town is indeed brimming with blue collar machismo, the pickings are still slim in Valentine Bluffs and Sarah has got two of them! TJ Hanniger and Axel Palmer are definitely two of the swarthiest studs in town. TJ has just recently come back to the Bluffs and he does lose a few beefcake points for admitting that he totally failed to make it on his own. But he looks enough like Robert Forster that I think I would eventually forgive him. Yet Sarah’s other choice is an axe-wielding murderer. So what’s left for us? The (axe) pickings just got a little slimmer…

May I please present to you The Men of Valentine Bluffs:

Well we’ve got TJ, who as I mentioned earlier really fell on his ass out there. I guess a stud should get kudos if he can admit his shortcomings, but I will not forgive that ascot thing he likes to tie around his neck. I just can’t. Still, I’d be willing to say he’s the bachelor with the most potential. And yeah, until Sarah decides between him and Axel he is technically still single. I just picked up my bus pass! Off to the Bluffs I go!

Axel Palmer – Axel is definitely cute. Maybe not as cute as TJ, but I could definitely seen how Sarah found herself crying on his shoulder. But while TJ is open to his failings, Axel is one big bottled up mess of a man. Even if he wasn’t keeping that one big secret – you know, the one about killing people and stuff – he’d still be considered a little kooky I think. At the same time, I love a man in uniform and boy does he sure know how to use a pick-axe! It certainly ups the sexiness factor. I’m just sayin’… Hmmmm, maybe Axel is the guy I want to date…

Hollis – Hollis is definitely taken and I would never try to steal Patty’s mancub. I have a feeling she’d fight tooth and nail for this guy, and he’d be worth it! He is by far the most likable and charismatic of the bunch. Plus his awesome mustache looks like it could do its own share of heavy lifting in the mines! Please feel free to twist that into any sexual innuendo that you fancy.

Howard – Oh Howard, what, oh what, are we going to do with you? On one hand, he’s an OK guy. He likes to laugh and although his pranks verge on completely stupid, he’s the guy who gets the party going again after TJ and Axel’s fight runs it off the rails. His heart is in the right place. On the other hand, he’s really lame. Aside from his atrocious actions when the chips are down, he’s simply annoying. I want to give Howard a makeover. Maybe he just needs a new look and a few etiquette lessons on how not to completely abandon your best friends when being chased by a seriously creepy killer.

Mayor Hanniger – TJ’s dad is mayor, so he’s got that clout thing going. But did I just hear him say “Mrs. Hanniger?” Oh well…

Chief Jake Newby – I like the chief too. He seems like a good guy, but I do think Mabel has designs on him. Poor Mabel, destined to meet her fate in her freshly decorated Laundromat. I mean, what cheers up a town more than a Laundromat with streamers? She was all heart, and then lost it… but I digress. The Chief is going to be single, so let’s keep him as an option.

Happy, the Bartender: Ummmmm, no.

Dave – OK, Dave one of the cutest guys in the Bluffs. He becomes less so when he gets face boiled off, but in the interim I’d say he’s definitely a contender, and he’s a bit of a player too. I think if you’re not looking to get hitched, he’d be a great friends with benefits choice.

Ben – I’m not sure I ever noticed him before, but he’s kinda cute. And check it out – uniform! A definite maybe.

John – I think John has it goin’ on, even if he does wear a leather vest. He’s attached to Sylvia, so there’s probably not much hope there, but I would definitely rank him as one of the cuter guys, and he’s about to become single… very soon!

Mike – Ummm, Mike is OK. Seems a little abrasive and is definitely p-whipped by his lady friend. He’s a good choice for the dominating type of lady. I think I’ll have to skip Mike.

? – I think this is Tommy, but I never actually caught his name. He’s definitely one of the cutest men of the Bluffs and looks single (even though it seems like Gretchen might have eyes for him – who can compete with that!). I love a man of mystery, but a name would be very helpful!

Harry Warden – So. Not. Hot. OK, it’s not so much the killing thing as it’s the cannibalism thing. Not into it. However, he does have a neat ballad about him, so he’s got fame under his belt. Shoot, I must be getting desperate…

And let’s not forget the bromance:

Buddies are awesome and men who can hang with their friends and help a brother out are definitely the kind of guy a girl like me would want. It looks like, barring those in relationships, I’d be pretty happy to hook up with most of the men in Valentine Bluffs (but sorry Happy, you are O-U-T)! Although, I think there might be just a little too much bromance going on: