Retro Slashers

I was thinking about saving Memorial Valley Massacre for “Vegetarian Killers in Loincloths with Bad Teeth” month, but since I’m not sure that dream will ever come true I thought it worked well for Unmasked Month. I have always wanted to watch Massacre, but held off mostly because I knew it was not going to be a good film. Well, good in the traditional sense, anyway. But I find that the farther away we get from the 80s the more forgiving I am of the lesser films. And despite two seconds of Cameron Mitchell and a couple more of William Smith, Massacre is indeed a lesser film. But it’s also surprisingly entertaining and I think I fell in love with it.

The movie centers on the Memorial Valley Campsite which isn’t all that pretty, but until recently had remained mostly untouched by humans. Entrepreneur Allan Sangster (Cameron Mitchell) has seen fit to open the land as camping grounds, and then hopefully expand to malls, condos or whatnot, but his ideological son David (the uber-hot Mark Mears) is determined to look over the site and make sure it remains as pure as possible. This will be an overwhelming task, considering the nature neophytes which have arrived for the long Memorial Day weekend to party, screw and maybe even, ugh, litter. Unbeknownst to them (or at least most of them), a wild child is in their midst. He’s actually kind of a nice guy, freeing rabbits from his traps (which I assume are to catch rangers or other interlopers who might uncover his lair) and there’s even this totally adorable scene where he’s feeding nuts to one of his mouse friends. I think it’s hilarious that he’s never shown actually hunting, and that he came across as a total vegetarian to me, although he does have a bunny fur fanny pack and boy, does he hate dogs! But whether he eats meat or not isn’t the issue, what we’re dealing with here is a snaggle-tooth caveman with a big heart for his natural surroundings. It’s only when he’s confronted or scared does he attack. He’s a Neanderthal softie.

Most of the campers are horrifyingly disagreeable and only care if they have a good place to get drunk or look at boobs. They are the most stereotypical, cardboard characters imaginable, yet they are a lot of fun. The cock tease character is particularly enjoyable, in that crazy insane slut sort of way. It was like she had a “talk dirty” button that couldn’t be shut off even when her suitors knew she wasn’t going to put out. By the second half of the film, she kind of loses steam and just becomes another victim-to-be, but she’d already stolen my heart.

In the case of masked vs. unmasked, the only feasible disguise the caveman could wear would inevitably be reminiscent of Leatherface’s – maybe with a bit more bunny fur – so it’s for the best they just let his snaggle-teeth hang. Also, it works into the outrageous subplot concerning a park ranger (John Kerry) recognizing his son, who had been kidnapped and raised in the wild!

I can’t really recommend Memorial Valley Massacre because I know it’s not good. While I can easily tell someone to run out and see Nail Gun Massacre or Moonstalker, two regional horror films that also aren’t good in any traditional way, but warrant viewings just because their hearts are so big, Massacre falls into a gray area where I don’t think the sort of enjoyment I had is necessarily contagious. For completists of 80s slashers it’s worth a go, if only because it concentrates on trying to make the killer sympathetic, and one who is only a murderer by his bad circumstances rather than by just liking to kill people. If this movie had fallen into the right hands, the premise could have really worked, and points to the filmmakers for taking an unusual shot at the well-worn setting, but in the end, I think only die-hard slasher lovers and dentists will take an interest in Memorial Valley Massacre.

See larger image Memorial Valley Massacre: 1988 (DVD) List Price: $9.99 USD New From: $9.99 In Stock Used from: $11.97 In Stock Release date December 13, 2007.